i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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