She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
