i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
