I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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