Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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