Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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