I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
