I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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