In the future we'll all be gay
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
