Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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