Sponge bath it is.
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
