For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
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