Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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