I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
