please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
as a side note pls kill me
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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