Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Randomize
