I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
