just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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