Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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