I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
