Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
