When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
