Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
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