I think i peed on brittanys purse
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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