You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
