i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
