She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
