I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
