When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
