Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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