he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Randomize
