if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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