Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Randomize
