my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
