cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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