I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize