i permit you to call me
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
