i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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