Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize