My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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