I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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