i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
