Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
