apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
