I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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