oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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