You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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