I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
What did we do last night that was yellow?
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
