I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
