i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
This can only be settled by a dance off.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
