I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
