Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
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