Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
