We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
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