This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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