so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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