Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
