wat bout pragnant strippers??
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
