Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
