Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
