I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
